Have you ever listened to yourself?

By Rhonda Scharf · Comments (0)
Monday, April 23rd, 2012

Have you ever listened to yourself?

The only thing more painful than listening to your own voice on a recording is watching yourself on video. (The latter always compels me to start a new fitness regime.)

Unfortunately, my voice can’t be improved by going to the gym or avoiding the dessert table. It takes more than that.

The good news, however, is that the voice can actually be improved—something not everyone knows or even thinks about. And it’s worth it, because having a clear, strong and resonant speaking voice can make a significant difference in the way you’re perceived by your colleagues and clients.

We are aware that many of the people we speak with on the phone have never met us, never will meet us and don’t really know us; yet they will form an opinion of us. They will decide whether we’re smart, competent or trustworthy—based only on how we sound. Those impressions will then affect how they treat us. Will they treat us with respect, or condescension? Will they trust us or or try to work around us? Will we be perceived as equals or will one of us be deemed an underling?

You are probably thinking I’m referring to the tone of your voice, the pitch, the sound. And, to some degree I am. But not exclusively. There are many facets to how you sound, and we can control nearly all of them.

In North America, we like voices that are lower. Just turn on the news at night and listen to the anchorperson. Their voice will be a little lower than the average. Studies show that we trust voices that are lower rather than higher. That instantly gives men a bit of an advantage, but not one that we women can’t overcome. As women, we certainly don’t want to sound like a man, and as men, you don’t want to sound like that actor from Everyone Loves Raymond, either.

Voice tips you can starting using today

You can give your voice more resonance, make it deeper and trustworthy by breathing deeper in your diaphragm (lower tummy) rather than through your (upper) lungs. Take a deep breath now and let the air go down as far as it can go. Slowly push the breath out. Make it last as long as possible. Try that a few times.

Practice reading out loud using different voices and different pitches. If you have children or grandchildren, all the better. Make the story you are reading to them fun and interesting. The more you play with your voice, the more control you will develop.

Hum. Humming helps you build and maintain vocal control. It’s simple, and you can easily do this exercise several times a day—it will improve your mood, too.

When you’re speaking, stand up whenever you can (if it won’t be perceived as aggressive). When you’re recording your voice mail, you should always be standing. You will have better oxygen flow, you will use your diaphragm more effectively and you will sound more professional and resonant. Try speaking sitting and then standing—you’ll see the difference.

You don’t want your voice to sound young and immature. As much as we strive for youth as a society, we don’t want a youthful (immature sounding) voice. It makes us sound inexperienced and the assumption made by those who can’t see you will be that if you are too young, you don’t know what you are doing.

Logically we know that isn’t true, but perception is reality in this case. If your voice is too youthful sounding, make sure that you do everything else I suggest here to improve your voice. Think of the actress Annie Potts (from Ghostbusters). She’ll never be a Merle Streep, strictly because of the way she sounds. Do you want people to think that you could never been an executive, a high-end professional because of the way you sound? Work on it.

You also need to be aware of what you are saying. Word choice can certainly make a difference in the perception someone has of you. Listen to your voice mail. Do you sound professional, educated, and friendly?

Hi. You’ve reached the personal voicemail of Rhonda Scharf at ON THE RIGHT TRACK Training & Consulting. I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, I’m either on the other line or away from my desk at the moment, but leave me your name and phone number and I will call you right back.

Does this sound like your outgoing voicemail message? If so, then you’re giving your callers a bad impression, because this is an example of a poor outgoing message.

Let’s look at it more closely. You’re either on the other line or away from your desk? Duh. Are you breathing today? Are you wearing clothes? You don’t have to tell me the obvious.

You’ll call me back right away? What does that mean? Should I wait right here, because as soon as I hang up the phone you’ll be calling me?

Tell people what to expect, or quite frankly you will send a message that you are unreliable. Even if you call two hours later, you didn’t do what you said you would, did you?

You’re sorry you can’t come to the phone? Really? Don’t waste your time and the caller’s by being sorry for something you can’t control. This is a meaningless phrase.

Yes, I am being picky here, but why wouldn’t you want your voice-mail message to be as good as it can be? It doesn’t take much more time to come up with a better outgoing message.

Better yet, feel free to use something like this:

Thank you for calling Rhonda Scharf at ON THE RIGHT TRACK. Today is Thursday April 19 and I am in the office until 5 p.m. today. I return all calls the same business day. Have a great day!

While you’re saying the last line, you’re smiling; and of course, you’ve been standing while you recorded the entire message.

Be aware of your tone, of your pitch and of your word choice.

Listen to your voice mail. Listen to meetings where you participated. Listen to yourself when you are recorded. Be critical. Ask yourself if you are sending the message you want to be received.

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What would you do?

By Rhonda Scharf · Comments (0)
Thursday, March 22nd, 2012

What would you do?

We were on vacation. The sun was shining, the steel drums were playing a cheery tune and my skin was glowing from a day in the sun. It seemed perfect.

And it almost was.

As Warren and I were about to reboard our cruise ship, we joined the queue of a few dozen people who were chatting amicably, as people on vacation do.

Then the yelling started.

A large man, on vacation with a woman I assumed was his wife, started yelling at her. I don’t mean just loudly—I mean railing on her in a very demeaning way. “You are so stupid. You always do this. Can’t you do anything right?”

I stopped and turned to see what on earth could be causing this unbelievable tirade. I was shocked to see that it was real (not actors looking to cause a crowd) but a real man and woman and this was a real situation.

I was stunned and completely unsure of what to do. Even though I teach people how to deal with bullies, and I know what to do in theory, I was stuck between do I, or don’t I? The right answer isn’t always clear in the moment.

Have you ever been in a situation in which you didn’t know what to do in the moment? At 3 a.m. lying in bed the answers always seem to be obvious, but in the heat of the moment, sometimes the brain just does not operate.

Impulsively, I took a step back. Warren put a hand on my arm to say, “hold on a minute here.” He was right. I didn’t know the people or the situation. I know that domestic disputes are never good, but even the police are very cautious when they are called in to deal with one. This guy was very upset, and he was much bigger than I was. And, I was in a foreign country.

The woman looked up and caught my eye, and her eyes pleaded with me not to interfere. She was so embarrassed. I’m sure she wanted the earth to swallow her whole in that moment. Perhaps if I interfered, the consequences would be much worse for her later on. Maybe just letting him yell would take care of the situation for her; maybe making an issue would make it much worse for her.

I just felt paralyzed.

Maybe I imagined her telling me to walk away. Maybe it was what my brain wanted to think she said.

I walked away.

I kept looking back though, and he did stop yelling. However, the light banter between passengers was gone, and the mood became sombre.

In the workplace I would have handled that situation completely differently.

-       I would have documented the situation (and offered it to the person who was being yelled at).

-       I would have offered support to the person being yelled at/bullied after the fact (Do you want to talk about it? Can I offer you any support? Has this happened before?)

-       I would have said, “Can I help with something here?”

-       I would have interfered in some manner.

-       I would not have looked the other way and pretended it didn’t happen.

-       I might have discussed it with my supervisor, my union rep or my human resources department (depending on the situation).

-       I would have made direct eye contact with the person yelling (as if to say “I am witnessing this”).

I’m pretty sure that, having done something, I would be feeling better than I do right now.

But work is different than personal life, and at work I would have known the people. Here I didn’t know what I was potentially walking into. I didn’t know if I would be safe, or what consequences my interference might have for the victim.

I know I’m not the only one who has witnessed this type of situation. I do know that there was no right answer for me about what to do and what not to do.

What would you have done?

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Reality TV is ruining our lives

By Rhonda Scharf · Comments (0)
Thursday, February 23rd, 2012
Reality TV

Reality TV

Vicious gossip is rampant. Backstabbing is normal, and confrontations occur on a daily basis.

I could be talking about the latest episode of The Bachelor, Survivor or The Apprentice but I’m actually talking about the lives of regular people.

As you may know, I am a big fan of reality television. I like to get my weekly fix of The Amazing Race and The Biggest Loser and I feel like they’re my virtual friends. What I don’t like is the impact they’ve had on our reality as a society.

Now, I’ll be the first to say that reality television isn’t very real. But the sad truth is that our lives are becoming more and more like reality television every day.

I was speaking with Ali, who was a participant in my Amazing Assistant course recently. She explained that her boss is a tyrant, and yells at people all the time. One day she was away from her desk and her personal cell phone rang. He came to her desk and smashed it to pieces. His response was, “You are not to have your personal cell phone here, and it is not to ring. This will ensure it doesn’t happen again!”

Now, in fairness, this story is not North America-based, and the laws/rules/culture are different here.

Then I got the Steve Jobs book for Christmas, in which I read that regardless of the laws and rules, that type of behaviour does in fact happen here, and it happens regularly.

The enrollment in my programs on Gossip, Difficult People, Bullying and Confrontations are way up. People need to learn to communicate in an environment that is hostile because that is the reality we face!

Why, you ask? I believe that reality television is one of the biggest contributing factors. It has made it seem “normal” to confront, bully, backstab and do anything required to get ahead. Some people think that real-life is the same and they behave according to what gets rewarded on these shows.

So what are we going to do about it?

For starters, we need to establish some boundaries. We need to control our own behaviour rather than try to control anyone else.

So here is a list of things I think we need to be more aware of, and more committed to doing:

-       Stop the gossip. That means to stop listening (change the subject, walk away, defend the person), and stop sharing gossip, too. Yes, that is difficult, but we need to start at home.

-       Realize that behaviour which is not confronted will not change. If someone is saying or doing something that is not acceptable to you, how will they know that unless you say something? It is easier to be quiet and just complain to your co-workers, but you need to put boundaries on how others will treat you as well.

-       For Ali, you can imagine that she was very upset. Taking some time away from the situation is good. So the next day she should have said something to her boss like, “I understand the rules about cell phones. I see your point of view. However, the personal destruction of my property is unacceptable. I think it is only fair that you replace my phone.” (Remember, different culture and laws here). “I will not use it at work in the future.”

-       When you are observing someone behaving inappropriately to someone else, decide if this is something you should be witnessing or not. Sometimes the right thing to do is walk away (and save the other person the embarrassment). Sometimes, you may even want to intervene. Often, just sticking up for the other person is enough to make a bully back down or—best-case scenario—become more aware of their inappropriate behavior.

-       Take the high road. Be professional at all times.

-       Remember that just because other people do it, it doesn’t mean the behavior is okay.

Reality television needs to stay in the entertainment category and not in the reality category.

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Finding the Gray Area in 2012 – Realistic Goal Setting

By Rhonda Scharf · Comments (0)
Thursday, January 19th, 2012

When I’m talking about “finding the gray area” for realistic goal setting, I’m not referring to hair—although I have to admit, I’m due for a colour. But honestly, when we set goals, we tend to think in terms of black and white.

We want to be thin, we want to look better, we want to have more money. So in response to these perfectionist targets, we set goals to help us become the complete opposite of who we are now. Achieving anything less than these unrealistic milestones means we’re a complete failure.

 

New YeaWorth itr’s resolutions have always been something I’ve found humour in, rather than taken seriously. Now 2012 is here and I know that many people have already abandoned their goals. Stop. Let’s start over and put our goal setting on-the-right-track!

At this point in the year, the gyms are already seeing fewer of those New Year’s resolution exercisers, and the vegetable aisle isn’t as busy at the grocery store, either.

Some of us have already fallen flat, right out of the gate, thinking that we have a good eleven months before we have to worry about goal setting again.

Others may have fought the good fight, but are mentally drained from trying to achieve those difficult goals they set for themselves. Though this cycle of setting goals and failing at them may seem amusing when viewed in a comical light, the truth is that some of these areas of our lives actually do need improvement, for our physical, mental or financial health.

So let’s write some realistic goals for 2012.

Before you even begin thinking about changing any area of your life, take that pen and paper and make three columns labeled black, white and gray.

Now you’re ready to get started. Let’s take a popular one, “losing weight.” In the black column you are going to put “overweight.” In the white column you are going to put “healthy weight.” Now we’re going to set goals that are actually based in reality, smack dab in the gray column.

Maybe your first goal will be to walk during each break at work. When that step is achieved, your next one might be to stop eating after 8 p.m. Next in line, packing healthy foods for lunch… and so on.

Or, let’s say you want to find a new job in 2012. The realistic goals in the gray area might begin with updating your resume.

If your goal is to deal more effectively with your difficult work colleague, you might want to “Like” my Facebook page, Dealing With Difficult People.

No matter what you want to change, you can see that taking small, manageable steps rather than huge, unrealistic ones, is more likely to end in success.

It’s too overwhelming to pressure ourselves into going from fat to thin, poor to rich, unsatisfied to satisfied. All of that important gray matter in the middle is what is lacking, and why so many of us fail to meet our goals.

So, set realistic goals for 2012 and make your first goal a promise to work on that gray area. In my case, I do mean my hair!

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Have You Lost Your Manners?

By Rhonda Scharf · Comments (0)
Tuesday, December 20th, 2011

I’ve heard it said that successful people do what the unsuccessful are unwilling to do. I didn’t realize until recently how simple, and how incredibly true, that is.

Have you lost your manners?Please and thank-you are simple words, and yet it seems that most people don’t use them. Basic etiquette is missing in society in both our personal lives as well as our professional  ones.

How hard is it to reply to an invitation, send a thank-you card for a gift or do a simple follow-up? I think that it’s not only incredibly easy, but it’s basic manners.

Many people are unaware of how rude their lackadaisical attitude appears.

Do you have a sign at your office that says, “Your mother doesn’t work here, clean up after yourself”? Why do we even need signs that say that? What makes you think that leaving your used coffee mug on the counter is okay? If you leave the coffee pot empty or the photocopier without paper, you’re displaying poor manners and you need to start being aware of the impact your actions have on others.

I recently attended a baby shower and actually received a thank-you card afterwards. I was thrilled because it was the first thank-you card that I had received in years.

I posted a comment about it on Facebook and several people said they think the practice of sending thank-you cards is passé. It was something that used to happen, but doesn’t happen anymore. If that’s the case, then it’s easy to stand out as special, just by sending thank-you cards.

Successful people make a habit of doing what unsuccessful people are unwilling to do. Are you willing to send a simple thank-you card? I am, I do, and I certainly remember and appreciate it when people do it for me.

I had a birthday party for Warren’s 50th recently. Since it was a milestone birthday, we thought we’d have a milestone party, too, and we invited a ton of people. Fewer than 20 showed up. While that in itself was disappointing, what was far more disappointing was that people didn’t even respond to the invitation to let me know if they were coming or not.

Is it that hard to fire off an email, especially when all they had to do was reply to the one they received from me? We had a great time with the small group of real friends that showed up, and I don’t regret not having a lot of people. I do regret that I didn’t know how to prepare for the party, though.

Warren’s company has a very active social committee. They host a lot of really fun events, which are free for staff members, with a nominal fee for spouses. The organizing committee spends a lot of time and energy, and the company spends a lot of money, to ensure the social committee provides quality events for the staff.

Recently they reserved a local ranch for a night of fajitas, and Texas Hold ’Em poker. The initial response to the event was good so the committee guaranteed the restaurant that 60 people would attend. Fewer than 30 showed up. Can you imagine how disappointed the organizing committee felt? If I were the company owner, I would be hesitant to pay for future events if people weren’t even going to show up.

At the doctor’s office recently a older woman with a walker was entering the building. I was surprised at how many people walked by her without holding the door open. They weren’t trying to be rude, but they were so caught up in their cell phones, their iPods, or their own lives that they didn’t see what was around them. (Yes, I did hold the door open for her.)

Our friends have been having a summer barbeque at their house every year for more than 10 years. They provide all the food, all the drinks, everything. More than 50 people attend each year. Yet, throughout the year fewer than 10 people ever reciprocate and invite our friends back to their house.

This year they decided to not have the party. Several people called to find out when the party was and when they were told there was no party this year, they expressed disappointment, but they didn’t issue an invitation to get together. I realize they don’t have the party for that reason, but doesn’t that make sense to you? Not only do we invite them back for a dinner at our house, but I also show up at the party with flowers, wine, and I send a thank-you note after the event. Someone invites you to his or her house year after year and you attend, but you can never find time to invite him or her back to your house? Rude.

I don’t think that people intend to be rude; they are just unaware of how their actions (or lack thereof) affect other people.

I offer my business to companies that make me feel important, special and appreciated.

How hard is it to send follow-up emails to people who make our day special? When a company has an employee who makes you feel important and special, do you let that organization know? We are good at complaining, but are we good at complimenting?

After your next job interview, send a thank-you card. The next gift you receive, send a thank-you card. Buy someone a coffee. When you get good service, go out of your way to acknowledge that employee. Tell the manager, fill in a comment card, and make a point of saying a special thank-you.

If all it takes are basic manners to get ahead in life, I am well equipped to do that. I am aware of the impact that I have on others around me. I appreciate what I have, and how others add benefit to my life, and I say thank-you to them for doing so.

Thank-you for being one of my loyal readers. Thank-you for recommending my speaking and training to your company or association. Thank-you for recommending my newsletter to others. Thank-you for being my friend, virtually or in person.

Thank-you for being the kind of professional who knows the basic etiquette skills in life. You know how I know this? You made it all the way to the end of this article. Those who didn’t disagreed with me in the first couple of paragraphs and didn’t finish the article.

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