Imagine you are sitting at the boardroom table with the rest of your team, and the topic of workload comes up. Everyone shares their issues and sends numerous tasks your way to lessen their workload.
You take a deep breath, gather your courage, and share with your team that you are already overloaded and cannot accept one more task, deadline, or responsibility. You share that you are happy to support the team as much as possible, but your bandwidth is beyond reasonable capacity.
You’re shaky, on the verge of tears, but proud of yourself for finally honoring your boundaries by letting the team know you couldn’t take on anything else.
The team smiles, and one joyfully proclaims, “But you’re the admin. You’re supposed to be busy. You know how to figure it out.” The rest of the team laughs, and the conversation continues without a single soul coming to your defense. Not one look of empathy or word of support for what you do.
At that moment, you know you can’t say what you want. You know you’ll respond emotionally, and words you regret will come out of your mouth, which might affect your professionalism and reputation.
You decide to say nothing and do your best to hold it together while the anger simmers and the tears threaten. You know you can’t look the other way and allow the flippant comment to go unaddressed. It was wrong and unprofessional, and it hurt you!
- Maintain composure and professionalism
Don’t be quick to respond. You may not say what you should say. While it is tempting to respond in the moment, an emotional situation like this is tricky. If you knew something like this was going to happen, you could prepare yourself for the appropriate response:
- Actually, no. I’m not supposed to be busy to the point of overwhelm. It isn’t healthy for me to work many more hours than I’m being paid for.
- I’m not sure why you say it is my job to figure it out. You are delegating to me without considering my own responsibilities.
- That isn’t true or fair.
While those are fine rebuttals, most of us need to prepare to say the right thing, the right way. If you’re like me, those answers appear at 3:00 AM but not while you are in the moment.
You don’t want to lash out and you don’t want to cry. You want to take the high road and avoid the impulsive reaction, as you know it could quickly escalate. By staying composed, you can diffuse the tension and maintain your reputation. At this moment, most of us need to bite our tongues.
Take a deep breath, make eye contact that feels three seconds too long, keep a straight face (no smile), and then look away. Say nothing, but have your expression show that you aren’t impressed with the comment.
- Talk it out
For many of us, talking it out with a trusted friend or family member (it can be the cat) is a good way to start healing. Sometimes, when we talk it out, we come to the answer that we need to hear. In reflection, we can see that the comment was not as malicious as you thought or that it is something that needs to be addressed.
I recommend that you write it out as well. Document what was said, how it made you feel, and what you did in response. You won’t send this to anyone, but it will help you focus on the piece of the flippant comment that is most upsetting to you.
In the example I shared at the beginning of this article, we all will be upset by different elements of it. Ask yourself which piece is most bothersome to you (as this is the piece we will address later).
Was it the comment about it being your job as the admin to be busy that upset you? Or was it that no one came to your defence, the team feels that they all have authority to delegate to you without even asking you, or they disrespected you by ignoring your claims of being at your bandwidth?
We need to clarify the issue before we address it, and talking or writing it out helps us narrow down the critical issue. Our friends can agree that we are justified in being upset, offer advice, or give us the support we need when we are upset.
- Summarize to one sentence.
Once you’ve vented or documented the emotional impact of the flippant comment, we need to summarize the primary concern in one sentence.
You won’t do anything with this sentence (yet), but we need to clarify the main issue.
- Be willing to address it
Ignoring the issue permits it to happen again. You need to address the core issue (decided in step 3). Depending on the issue you decide on, you will determine who you need to have a conversation with.
Regarding our issue above, perhaps you should talk to the person who made the initial comment and let them know that you are upset with it, and then discuss it with them. Perhaps you need to talk with your manager to ask why they didn’t interfere or come to your defense or that you were bothered by the comment. Or, maybe your issue is about the disrespect you felt from the team, and perhaps the discussion needs to happen at the next team meeting with everyone instead of a single person.
Visit my previous article about how to have that discussion here: https://on-the-right-track.com/having-a-difficult-conversation/
Don’t feel embarrassed for being upset. Don’t think that you should look the other way or justify their behavior. You should address your feelings and the respect you feel (or don’t feel).
Even if the comment was made as a joke (and it often is), that doesn’t mean you should look the other way. It hurt. You matter. Stand up for yourself.
This article was written by Rhonda and not by AI.
