In English, we often use the phrase, “I’m sorry,” to acknowledge that things are not the way they should be, be polite, and for many of us, it is second nature as we were raised to say “I’m sorry” as part of our nature.
But are you really sorry?
“I’m sorry. She isn’t in the office right now. Can I take a message?” Are you genuinely sorry that she isn’t in the office right now, or are you quite thankful she isn’t because now you are getting a lot of work done?
“I’m so sorry the traffic was bad. Can I get you a cup of coffee while you are waiting?” or “I’m sorry the rain is coming down so hard. I’m glad you made it.”
We are being polite when we say that; I understand it. Should we be apologizing?
[ctt template=”3″ link=”v3bcm” via=”yes” ]Saying “I’m sorry,” is polite, but should you be apologizing?[/ctt]
When we choose the words “I’m sorry,” we imply that we are somehow responsible for whatever happened. We know that some professionals cannot use apologies as it implies liability. These words have a greater meaning than simple, polite language.
[ctt template=”3″ link=”dBh0A” via=”yes” ]When we choose the words “I’m sorry,” we imply that we are somehow responsible for whatever happened.[/ctt]
I also understand that it is an accepted norm to be polite and say, “I’m sorry.” We shouldn’t. I’m confident that many people never say, “I’m sorry” (even when they should!) because there are times it can backfire at work.
If we are responsible for the situation, we certainly should take responsibility. Instead of saying the casual “Sorry,” we should sincerely say, “I apologize for X,” and continue the sentence to say how we will fix the situation.
I can’t fix the traffic, the rain, or other things that I’m being polite about, so it is safe to say the words I’m using are wrong. These things aren’t my fault, and I shouldn’t be taking responsibility for issues outside my control.
It makes us look weak and may even impact our self-esteem if we take responsibility for things we shouldn’t. And when it does come time to apologize, will it sound sincere if you say “I’m sorry” all the time? How will I know that you are sincere if you are constantly apologizing?
For instance, let’s assume that Sarah is trying to find time in your executive’s calendar for a meeting. Your executive, Sam, is booked solid, and you can only find room for Sarah with many calendar adjustments. Sam hates when his calendar gets major adjustments to accommodate one person.
You say to Sarah, “I’m really sorry, but Sam is completely booked, and there is no room for flexibility this week.” You know that if an urgent situation occurred, you could juggle things. Sam isn’t that tight, but you also don’t feel that Sarah’s issue is as high a priority as she thinks it is, and the inconvenience to Sam and everyone else on the schedule doesn’t seem worth accommodating her.
You are polite and apologize for Sam’s full calendar. Is it your fault that there is no room for Sarah? No. Is it your responsibility to make it happen? No.
How does that sound to other people if we are constantly taking responsibility for things that are not our fault?
By telling Sarah you are sorry that Sam is completely booked, it looks like you overbooked Sam, and Sarah can’t see him because of the schedule you created. That isn’t likely the case at all.
It’s not your fault. But it sounds like it is.
Would Sam tell Sarah he was sorry his calendar was so full? Probably not.
Here is your action plan moving forward to ensure you shouldn’t be over-apologizing and potentially ruining your workplace credibility:
- Start paying attention. You’ve probably said, “I’m sorry,” a few times today already. By being aware of when you say it, you can ask yourself if you really are sorry and if that was the right word choice. If not, catch it and fix it.
- Apologize sincerely when it is your fault. Take ownership of what you need to, but don’t assume responsibility for what you shouldn’t. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry,” use, “I apologize.”
- Find new habits. You must practice different wording or avoid that sentence segment. Put a Post-It note on your monitor with new words such as, “I appreciate you letting me know,” or write down “SKIP I’m Sorry!” to remind you. The more you teach yourself better ways to say things, the better you’ll get at it, and the better it will feel for you.
Just because your intent isn’t to take responsibility for things doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.
Be polite, respectful, and professional. That doesn’t mean you need to take responsibility for things outside your control or hurt your professional credibility through your word choice.
