Have you ever innocently shared something about someone when you shouldn’t? I did, and boy, I created tension between my daughter-in-law and me.
Almost four years ago, Laura and my son Patrick told us they were expecting; we were as excited as if we were expecting! I was about to become a Nana for the first time, and I wanted to shout the news from the rafters.
They told us very early in the pregnancy and told us they weren’t letting many people know about it yet. While I was well aware that I shouldn’t post the news on Facebook, it didn’t occur to me that I couldn’t tell my mom. Family isn’t just anyone, right? This means I called my mom to tell her she was about to be a Great-Nana (and she was a great Nana!) because I knew how excited she would be, too.
When Laura found out I had shared their good news, everything hit the fan. She was extremely upset with me for sharing information that wasn’t mine to share, and she let me have it.
I was so upset I started to cry. I did not intend to do wrong, and I was distraught to know that Laura was angry with me, thinking I had intentionally gone against what she wanted.
I innocently shared the news as I was excited and just as innocently broke a crucial bond of trust. I took away the joy of my son telling his Nana that they would have a baby because I was thinking of myself more than them.
I was wrong, and I knew it.
Have you ever shared information that wasn’t yours to share? You could be accused of gossip, and you likely will lose trust, but ultimately, you did something you shouldn’t have.
Can you recover? Yes, but it won’t be easy.
- Do not defend or justify your behavior. When Laura called me to yell at me, my natural instinct was to defend my actions. It would have been easy to throw it back at her and say that my mom didn’t count as telling people, that I was super-excited and needed to share, or that I thought they had called my mom already!
Defending or justifying doesn’t fix anything. I was wrong, and why I made the mistake doesn’t matter.
- Do not interrupt. If it takes them three minutes to vent their anger and frustration, give them the entire three minutes. Don’t interrupt, defend, argue, or even apologize during this time. They need to feel heard, and as soon as you start speaking, they are no longer being heard.
- Acknowledge you’ve broken trust and that you were in the wrong. After I heard Laura and allowed her to vent her (justified) anger and frustration, I had to admit that I agreed that I had broken her trust. I was wrong because I should have never said anything, even to my mother.
She ultimately needed to hear that acknowledgment of responsibility, even more than an apology. An apology (while still necessary) doesn’t admit fault essentially. Laura needed to know that I agreed that I was wrong and aware of the consequences of breaking her trust.
- Apologies are necessary. I let her vent her anger, I listened to her, I agreed that I shouldn’t have done what I did and that I was genuinely sorry.
An empty apology is exactly that: empty. It doesn’t make anyone feel better. Many people casually apologize for all kinds of things when they aren’t apologetic at all.
I not only said I was sorry, I explained exactly what I was sorry for so that it wasn’t an empty apology.
- Stop talking. Don’t make this about you. Don’t justify, explain, defend, or ramble on about why you did what you did. Own it and stop talking. The more you try to talk about it, the more likely you will start explaining why you did what you did. It doesn’t matter why. Stop talking and listen to the other person until they are done being angry.
Laura and I have mended our fences, but you can be sure it was a rough ride. We discussed it, and she is confident it will never happen again.
- Circle back a few days later to ensure the apology has been accepted. We talked about it when it happened. I let it rest for 48 hours, and circled back to ensure she knew how sorry I was I did what I did.
We often need time to cool down. My apology in the height of the situation was important, but equally important was my apology a few days later. I needed to know that we were “okay” and that she understood that I was sincere in all I said and that I was upset at my poor decision to share her news.
Laura and Patrick had calmed down and we were able to repair what felt like damage in our relationship. We could have another discussion without it being heated. It felt calmer and more sincere.
It is sometimes far too easy to share news of a personal nature, such as a promotion, a baby, or a change in relationship status.
Remember that just because it was shared with you doesn’t mean it is okay to share it with others. Be sure you have permission to share so that you don’t strain your relationship. It doesn’t have to be intentional to cause conflict!
And if you mess up in your own excitement, follow the steps above to put your relationship back on-the-right-track!
