Let’s face it; everyone hates confrontation. It’s never fun to tell someone they have done something that has upset or bothered you. It creates tension in the relationship that doesn’t disappear after the confrontation is over. It sometimes causes irreparable harm when confrontation isn’t done properly.
Which is why most people avoid confrontation. It’s easier to look the other way rather than risk the confrontation going sideways and ruining the relationship.
We know that isn’t the right answer. When we avoid a confrontation, we set ourselves up for a dysfunctional working relationship. We harbour anger and frustration and can often blow the situation out of proportion due to our avoidance.
Your tension can be something small like not being included in a work event, leaving you to feel ostracized, or big where someone is spreading hurtful gossip about you. Regardless of what caused the tension, it needs to be dealt with.
These five tips will help you have a professional and effective confrontation.
- In private. As tempting as it may be to have the confrontation at the same time the situation happened, don’t. Always ensure that you and your coworker can have your confrontation in private.
Let’s imagine that Amber made a comment about you in the last team meeting that you found insulting and condescending. It would be tempting for you to call her out on the spot and ask her what she meant by that comment or challenge her comment publicly as you found it inappropriate.
It never works. I can’t tell you why it never works, but it always backfires. If you call Amber out for her comment, someone will laugh and tell you to relax and that Amber was just joking. Even if she wasn’t. Even if she was way over the line.
When we try to have confrontations in public, others tend to react completely unpredictably. You will succeed more with your confrontation if you have it in private. Perhaps in a conference room or a private office. You don’t want to feed the gossip mills or display unprofessional behaviour.
- Respond vs. react. Most people want to know how to handle a situation such as this in the moment. My advice is to avoid “in the moment” confrontations as they rarely are successful. Give yourself time to think about how you want to handle it, what you want to say, and what the goal is of your confrontation. You want to respond vs. react.
When we react, we tend to do so emotionally. We must ensure we don’t accuse, attack, or intimidate our coworkers.
In the same way, we should never send an email when we are angry; we should avoid “in the moment” confrontation for the same reason. Give yourself some space between the situation and the confrontation. 24 hours is a good guideline to follow.
Reactions are emotional. Responses are strategic.
- Be clear on your issue, purpose, and goal. Ask yourself what the goal is for this confrontation. When you are finished saying what you want to say, what response do you expect to get? Are you looking for an apology, for the situation to stop altogether, or correct what they are doing? Are you looking to embarrass them (hopefully not)? Are you looking for them to do something based on your confrontation?
To help you get clarity on your final goal, you need clarity on exactly what the issue is. One sentence. Not a venting session about all the things they’ve done in the past, but the one sentence about this situation.
If we were to have a confrontation with Amber, would the goal of the confrontation be to bring to her attention how you feel when she says whatever it is that she said? Is your goal to get her to apologize or avoid those statements moving forward? What is the purpose of this confrontation?
If you want to discuss a long laundry list of issues you’ve been having with Amber, it will feel like a vent session. And while that may be time effective to deal with many issues in one confrontation, the lack of clarity will backfire. A venting session will cause Amber to lash back at you, which will cause even more tension in your relationship.
One issue per confrontation. Be clear on what the issue is and the goal of your confrontation. When this is over and done, what will have happened?
- Don’t bring others into it. One of the worst things (other than “Calm down”) you can say is, “I’m not the only one who feels this way.” Guaranteed disaster.
As soon as you say that you aren’t the only one who feels this way, you have derailed the confrontation. The confrontation is no longer about the situation you want to deal with; it is now about who else has been talking about the other person and what they are saying.
Suppose I am having a confrontation with Amber about her condescending comments in a meeting and tell her that I’m not the only one who is offended by them. In that case, the entire conversation focuses on who else is offended. If I try to avoid this part of the conversation, it will create even more tension, frustration, and anger as Amber is 100 percent focused on who else rather than the offensive comment.
- Conversations vs. lectures. You can quickly turn this confrontation into a lecture by not being in control of your emotions. A confrontation should be a conversation where both parties have an opportunity to speak, share their point of view, and discuss what happened.
If you turn this into a lecture where you are the only one speaking, you create tension. Be sure to allow your coworker to speak.
Don’t raise your voice, don’t point your fingers, and don’t be aggressive in your tone, style, or word choice. Be professional. Ask questions, and give the other person the opportunity to speak.
No one enjoys being on either side of a confrontation. It is filled with emotions that cause tension. There are consequences to this confrontation. By being prepared by following these five steps, you are setting yourself up for a successful and professional conversation about a situation that can be resolved.
