Dealing with difficult people is a challenge, but you can overcome it by following a few simple steps. I know this because I’m that person who is sometimes difficult to deal with and I can fix difficult situations too.
I don’t intend to be difficult; that is never the goal. Neither does your difficult person intend to be difficult (although I appreciate that it feels that way). It is just that the two of you have different wants and needs, and they are not aligned.
By looking at the situation differently, you can often deal with your difficult person without being difficult yourself.
- Define the problem.
Before developing a solution, you must define what you’re trying to solve. Do you have different viewpoints on how to do things? Does it feel that they say the opposite every time you say one thing? Or do you feel like it’s never good enough, no matter what you do at work? We could all face many daily issues that make us feel frustrated and annoyed, but to fix the situation, we need to define it clearly.
- Look at the situation from their viewpoint
It’s essential to see the other point of view even if you disagree with it.
Traffic is a great example. You are in the left (passing) lane and are driving over the speed limit, but the car behind you is driving very close to your bumper and flashing their lights. They clearly want you to move over so they can get by. You’ve decided they are being difficult as they want to drive too fast and want you to move, and you don’t want to move over.
Look at it from their perspective. They see you as the difficult person. They want to drive faster, and you are slowing them down.
You may not agree that you are being difficult, but you must be prepared to see it from their perspective. Can you see (not necessarily agree) that they perceive you as the difficult person in this situation? When you see it, the solution is often obvious (move over) instead of prolonging the situation to prove that you are correct (whether you are or not).
- Different doesn’t mean wrong!
People have different beliefs, and being different doesn’t mean they are wrong or even that they are being difficult.
In the opening paragraph, I identified myself as sometimes being a difficult person. I’m not a jerk, and I’m not a challenge to work with. I potentially do things differently than you do, and you may define me as difficult because we aren’t the same or don’t always agree on some things.
Our neighbors have defined Warren and me as difficult. The Rideau River (where we live) is extremely weedy. It is shallow and warm, and weeds love those conditions. We don’t love the weeds at all, so we will jump in the river with our rake and rake the riverbed to dislodge the weeds. Our neighbors don’t like that we loosen them as they float down the river (they live down the river from us).
Asking us not to remove our weeds isn’t reasonable from our perspective (hard to have a swimming spot for the kids when it is filled with weeds). I understand they don’t like the weeds floating on their beach, but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong to remove mine. Nor does it mean that I’m difficult because I won’t stop removing my weeds just because they don’t like the results.
- Find a win/win
You have the right to your beliefs and opinions. The other person does, too, and there will be times when you can negotiate and find a win/win for you both. There will be times when that doesn’t happen, either because there is no middle ground or because one person isn’t willing to negotiate.
My brother and I grew up constantly arguing about what television show we would watch together. We had entirely different tastes. We negotiated a situation where it seemed fair to us both. He would pick the first program, and I picked the second. We took turns.
That did mean that every second show was something I didn’t want to watch, but our negotiation worked for us both, therefore win/win.
- Be flexible.
If I dug my heels in and said my brother was bullying me to watch something I didn’t want to when it was his choice, I am being difficult. I am unwilling to compromise and want only a solution that appeals to me. We need to be careful that we aren’t being difficult that way.
There will be times when there is no win/win (our neighbors are a great example), but you always want to be flexible (to avoid being the difficult person).
The most important thing to remember when dealing with difficult people is that difficult people situations are always two-way. They feel difficult to you, and you feel difficult to them. Avoid being the difficult person by following a few simple steps.
