Let’s be honest: networking makes a lot of people uncomfortable. And if you’ve ever walked into a conference with thousands of attendees, felt like everyone else already knows each other, and wondered if you should just grab a coffee and hide, you are absolutely not alone.
I remember my first IAAP conference, which I think was 2001 in Toronto. While I was a speaker and comfortable meeting people, this was a lot of people, and it felt like they all knew one another, and I didn’t! I’m not particularly shy, but I felt overwhelmed.
We are not alone in feeling that overwhelmed and unwelcome feeling either. In fact, research shows that about 75% of people dislike networking or feel anxious about it. That’s three-quarters of the room you are networking in. So, if networking feels awkward, intimidating, or exhausting to you, congratulations, you’re normal.
The problem isn’t networking itself. The problem is how we think about it.
Too often, networking gets confused with selling, pitching, or enduring painfully awkward conversations with people who immediately try to push a product or service. That kind of interaction feels transactional and, frankly, icky. Real networking isn’t about exchanging business cards or LinkedIn connections. It’s about building human connection.
When people talk about their fear of networking, a few themes always come up:
- Fear of rejection
- Not knowing what to say
- Feeling intimidated
- Worrying about being judged
- Struggling to articulate thoughts clearly
Here’s the thing: none of those fears is imaginary. Rejection happens. People do judge. Conversations sometimes stall. That doesn’t mean networking is dangerous; it just means it’s human.
The goal isn’t to eliminate discomfort. The goal is to manage it.
When I teach networking, I use a simple acronym: TEST.
T – Take charge
This doesn’t mean being bossy. It means not being passive. If you stand there waiting for someone else to speak, they may be doing the exact same thing. Skip the awkward pause and say hello. A simple “Good morning” or “Hi” is often all it takes to break the tension.
E – Enthusiasm (the right amount)
You don’t need over-the-top cheerfulness, but you do need to look approachable. Tell your face you’re a nice person. A bit of eye contact and a small smile go a long way. People gravitate toward warmth, not perfection.
S – Stay focused
Put the phone away. Stop scanning the room. Give the person in front of you your attention. Nothing shuts down a conversation faster than making someone feel like you’re already looking for your exit.
T – Trust
In the first couple of minutes, your goal is to create trust. You’re not selling anything. You’re not asking for anything. You’re simply showing that this is a safe, comfortable interaction.
If you’ve ever thought, I don’t know what to say, you’re going to love this part.
Stick with SAFE topics:
- S – Situation: Where are you from? Is this your first time here?
- A – Activities: Which session did you just come from? Have you enjoyed the conference so far?
- F – Family (carefully): Only if it naturally fits the conversation.
- E – Events: Conference events, travel, shared experiences (not politics or religion).
Have a few questions to ask so that you can be part of the conversation. Questions like the ones I’ve listed above never get old, and they work because they’re easy, neutral, and inclusive. You don’t need to fire off ten questions in a row. One or two is enough to get things flowing.
Here’s the real magic, and it comes from Maya Angelou (and you know it is my favorite quote as I use it all the time):
People will forget what you said. They will forget what you did. But they will never forget how you made them feel.
Great networking isn’t about being interestING. It’s about being interestED. Read that again. It’s not about you, it’s about being interested in them!
Most people’s favourite topic is themselves. If you let someone talk, ask follow-up questions, and genuinely listen, they will walk away thinking you’re delightful, even if you barely talked about yourself at all.
That means resisting the urge to jump in with your own story the moment you hear a familiar word. Most of us are autobiographical listeners: we listen just long enough to relate it back to ourselves.
For instance, if you ask me where I’m from, and I say, “Ottawa,” an autobiographical listener would respond with, “Oh, I’ve never been there. I’ve been to Toronto, though, but I’m from San Diego.” You are listening long enough to turn the topic to you.
A good networker would say, “I’ve never been to Ottawa. Is it a big city?” and continue to be interestED in the other person instead of making it about themselves.
True listening takes practice, but it’s one of the most powerful networking skills you can develop.
But not every conversation will click. If someone isn’t engaging, giving short answers, or not asking anything in return, that’s your cue to politely move on. Networking is an exchange. If there’s no exchange, you’re allowed to exit.
You’re also allowed to bring others into the conversation. It makes things less awkward and helps everyone feel included. If someone is walking by or looks like they are alone and want to network, you can say, “Do you know Anne standing over there? I can introduce you as she is a great connector.”
Another reason people say they don’t like to network is that they think they are bad at remembering names. Stop saying you’re “bad with names.” Every time you say it, you reinforce it.
Instead, say: I’m getting better at remembering names.
And most people struggle to find names in a crowded room. There are so many people, and often they are out of context. And, it is your goal to make others feel comfortable, so introduce yourself even if you think someone knows who you are. It gives them permission to do the same and removes pressure from both sides. Networking should never feel like a pop quiz.
Networking doesn’t have to feel fake, forced, or painful. When you focus on connection instead of performance, it becomes something you already know how to do.
And no, you don’t have to talk to everyone. You just have to start with one.