I’m a direct communicator. I love efficiency and want to be a concise communicator, so I look to save time, minimize confusion, and get straight to the point. I like it when people communicate with me that way … most of the time.
The reality (and my experience) shows that sometimes my direct style comes across as abrasive. I have been that person, and I’ve also had conversations with others where they seemed curt, cold, or even confrontational because of their direct style. I have experienced it from both sides.
I’ve been told I’m too blunt, been called the “b” word, and told I’m intimidating at times because of my tendency to get to the point. Being direct is often perceived as confident, efficient, and clear. These are great qualities, especially in roles where precision and clarity matter. Sometimes it’s good to be direct and sometimes it’s not good.
But here’s the thing: if people feel bruised after a conversation with you, it doesn’t matter how right you were—they won’t hear your message. They’ll just remember how you made them feel.
Years ago, I worked with a real estate agent who was sharp as a tack and incredibly efficient. Let’s call her Lisa. She didn’t sugarcoat anything, and frankly, I loved that about her. But she’d often say things like, “I already told you that last week. You need to take notes” Or “If you didn’t understand, you should’ve said so.”
While she wasn’t wrong, her tone created a lot of friction. People started avoiding her—even those who needed her expertise. Eventually, the manager had to sit her down and say, “Lisa, I need people to want to work with you, not around you.”
She didn’t need to stop being honest. She needed to add a layer of empathy to her truth.
I once sent an email asking for some data I needed by end of day. It was short, to the point, and (I thought) clear: “Please send the info before 4. I need to finalize the proposal and send it before the end of the day.”
This gets the point across quickly—but it also sounds like a command, not a request. There’s no room for conversation, no sense of collaboration, and no acknowledgment of the recipient’s time or workload. It may unintentionally leave the other person feeling micromanaged or disrespected.
I got what I asked for—but I also got a frosty response: *“Noted. Clearly your priorities have become mine.”
Ouch.
I didn’t mean to be rude, but I didn’t leave any room for humanity either. I rewrote the message in my head: “Hi! Can you send over the info by 4 today? I want to finalize the proposal and send it out as promised. Thanks so much!”
This version still gets the message across, but it’s collaborative and respectful
Communication isn’t just about what you say—it’s how you say it. We know that and we know that tone, although entirely subjective, can build trust or break it. It can inspire cooperation or create resistance. You may be right, have the facts, and know exactly what needs to be done—but if your delivery alienates people, you’re less likely to get buy-in, support, or respect.
I have had times where I’m so in my head thinking that I will say something to Warren, and he will made an offhand comment about my tone. As you can imagine, I instantly push back as I hadn’t intended a bossy tone, but instead was distracted while I was speaking. It is an easy way to create tension in the office, even though that wasn’t my intent. Think of tone as the packaging of your message. Even good information wrapped in a sharp tone may feel like an attack. You may be totally unaware of how your message was received, as tone is subjective and up to the listener.
But, like my example with Warren and my tone, we sometimes are too forceful in our communication without realizing it or intending to be too direct.
– Time pressure: When deadlines are tight, we tend to get to the point quickly without the niceties we should include. It’s quick and to the point, but is lacking in friendliness
– Frustration or stress: When emotions are high, tone suffers.
– High standards: When you expect a lot from yourself, you may unconsciously expect the same—without context or compassion—for others.
– Cultural or workplace norms: Some environments reward bluntness, but it may not work everywhere.
So, how do you keep your message strong while making your tone more collaborative?
The goal isn’t to become passive. I’m not suggesting you bury your message in “maybes” and “just checking ins” until it disappears. But you can be clear without being curt.
- Use “I” language
Using I want, I need, or I hear takes ownership of the statement. When we start statements with “you” it creates an instant defensive reaction. Say “I noticed the deadline has passed” instead of “You missed the deadline.” It shifts the focus from blame to observation.
- Be polite – always
A quick “Thanks for your help” or “Hope your day’s going well” can go a long way. It takes seconds and adds a human touch. You don’t need a lot, but you do need to be polite.
- Ask instead of tell
Instead of telling people what to do, frame them as questions or invites. Try “Can you take the lead on this?” instead of “You need to handle this.” Or, “Can you prioritize this today?” As it sounds so much better than “This needs to be done today.” (and it is actually more concise!).
- Use tone-check phrases
“Just to clarify,” “I’d like your thoughts,” or “Help me understand” are great ways to maintain directness while inviting more conversation. If you are using text communication, read it aloud to yourself first because if it sounds even slightly too direct, it will be perceived as too direct on the receiving end.
- Pause
Before hitting send or making a comment, ask yourself: How would I feel receiving this?
Imagine this conversation between Warren and I:
If I say, “You didn’t update the spreadsheet again. Why not?” I am being too direct. Instead, if I say, “I noticed the spreadsheet wasn’t updated. I need it for month-end reports. Is everything okay with that timeline for you?” it is more balanced.
I’m still holding him accountable, but in a way that opens a path for conversation rather than conflict and tension.
Being direct is a strength—but like any strength, it can become a weakness if overused or misapplied. You don’t need to soften your message so much that it loses impact. You just need to deliver it in a way that respects both your point and the people you’re speaking to.
You can be clear and kind yet still direct. You can be firm and fair without being cold. And most importantly, you can communicate powerfully without pushing people away.
Remember: tone is the wrapping paper on your message. If you want it to be received with respect, wrap it accordingly.
Article written by Rhonda Scharf and not by artificial intelligence.
