A few weeks ago, I had a great conversation with an administrative professional I’ve known for years. She’s smart, capable, and deeply respected within her organization. Recently, she was shortlisted for a promotion, a role she had been working for and was excited about. She was prepared, had glowing references, left the interview confident, and had no regrets.
But she didn’t get it. Instead, a friend and colleague did.
She told me honestly, “I was crushed. I thought I was ready. I thought I had it.” And that’s a very human response, and I know she isn’t the only one who has felt that way, only not to get the job.
However, this is where not getting the job has an impact (especially when you think you got the job). Being passed over for a promotion can shake your confidence, potentially challenge your workplace friendships, and stir up some unexpected emotions.
However, how they respond to the setback separates a professional who grows from the experience from one who stays stuck.
Here’s how my colleague handled it—and the valuable lessons we can all learn from her experience.
Feel the Feelings—but Choose the Right Time and Place
Chloe admitted to feeling everything from disappointment to embarrassment to a teeny bit of jealousy. “It was hard not to take it personally,” she told me. “Other people knew I was on the shortlist; many even told me I was better qualified and would have been a better fit.” I’m sure we can all imagine how that would feel.
But, while she shared with me that she was upset about not getting the job, she hadn’t shared her emotions with her colleagues. And she shared it with me months after the situation happened, too, after she had worked out her own feelings about the experience.
When I asked her how she dealt with her emotions, she shared that she needed a bit of space to process the experience. She journaled, vented to her husband, and took a mental health day to regroup. That was a smart move. Our emotions are valid but don’t always belong in a professional setting, especially when they’re raw.
Don’t suppress your feelings; instead, manage when and how you express them. Reacting emotionally at work can damage relationships and your reputation, making recovery more difficult.
Stop The “Comparison Game”
When I asked her about the normal tendency to play this comparison game (admit it, we all do it all the time – especially on social media), she admitted that she did fall victim for a while. It’s natural to compare yourself and say things like ‘I’ve been here longer,’ or ‘I know more about our internal systems.’
We logically know that hiring someone was based on more than one factor. There is fit, timing, leadership, rapport, visibility, reputation, etc. Not just about how long you’ve been there or what your education was 20 years ago.
Ask for Feedback
Chloe was smart enough to go back and ask the hiring manager what she needed to do differently if the job was posted in the future. The purpose of the meeting wasn’t to express her disappointment or frustration, but to find out what she could do to be more competitive for the next opportunity. Don’t ask why someone else got the role—ask what you can do to grow.
When I speak with others in similar situations, I always ask if they asked the hiring manager/HR for a debrief after the role was awarded to find out your growth opportunities. Most are shocked that a) you can and b) you would do that. In reality, it is taking charge of your career as you can learn. Yes, it is hard to do, but it will be worth knowing why you didn’t get the job. Many times, it isn’t anything you did or said, or anything you need to change. Sometimes it is as simple as the other person did and said something that resonated more with the hiring manager.
When we realize that it’s not that we lack anything sometimes, it helps ease the sting knowing it was just someone else’s time to shine. But sometimes that constructive feedback is worth its weight in gold when it shares what you need to do.
Always Be a Professional
Here’s where this story really shows Chloe’s character. Despite feeling disappointed, she congratulated her colleague and offered to help during the transition. “Honestly, it took everything in me to do it,” she said. “But I knew it was the right thing.”
How you treat others, even when you feel knocked down, says a lot about you. Professionalism always pays off.
Reframe the Setback as a Setup for Growth
Instead of seeing the missed promotion as the end of the road and a sign that the company didn’t see her as anything more than “just” an admin, Chloe used the experience as a pivot point. She signed up for a professional development course, joined an internal committee to expand her visibility, and asked to shadow other departments to understand broader organizational goals.
A few months later, another opportunity opened up—one that was a better fit. She went in more prepared, more confident, and more connected.
And this time, she got the job.
“No,” doesn’t mean “never.” It often means “not yet.”
Missing out on a promotion can hurt, but it doesn’t have to define you. How you respond in the following days and weeks can position you as a future leader in your organization.
Chloe’s story is just one of many. And it’s a great reminder that success isn’t just about winning the opportunity—it’s also about how you handle the setbacks along the way.
This article was written by Rhonda Scharf and not be artificial intelligence.
