Are You Really Open to Feedback, or Are You Just Looking for Validation?

“Can I get your feedback?”

It sounds like such a great question, doesn’t it? In fact, many of us have been told that asking for feedback is essential. It tells people we’re open-minded, that we want to improve, and that we value other people’s opinions.

However, when you ask someone for feedback, are you actually looking for feedback? Or are you hoping they will confirm what you already believe? Because there is a big difference.

I have watched people ask for feedback many times, and sometimes what happens next is fascinating. They ask the question, they get the answer, and then they immediately begin explaining why the feedback doesn’t really apply to them. “Well, the reason I did it that way was…” “You don’t understand the whole situation.” “There were circumstances you don’t know about.” Before long, they’ve explained away every piece of feedback they asked for in the first place.

I’ve done it. I’m guessing you have too. I recently asked AI to update one of my promotional photos. I started with a picture of me from about five years ago, when I happened to be about twenty pounds lighter, and asked AI to make me look more like I do today by changing my hair, adding my headband, plumping me up a bit, and aging me a little. I thought it looked great. Except, a couple of people told me that it didn’t look like me. I defended it because apparently I liked AI’s version of me better than reality.

And, about five minutes after I defended the photo I wanted to look like, I realized exactly what I had done.

Now, in fairness, I’ve been on the receiving end of giving feedback and wishing I hadn’t, too. There are times when I wish I just confirmed that things were as great as the person wanted them to be. And I’ve learned that sometimes the safest feedback to give is no feedback at all.

I think sometimes we have confused feedback with reassurance. When you ask for feedback, you aren’t really asking for compliments, are you? We ask, “How did I do?” but what we really mean is, “Please tell me I did well.”

There is nothing wrong with wanting encouragement. We all need it. I love hearing that a presentation went well or that someone enjoyed a webinar. After all these years, it still feels good when someone says, “That was exactly what I needed.” But that isn’t feedback.

Feedback is the information that helps us understand what we cannot see ourselves. And sometimes, that information is uncomfortable and not what we want to hear.

Years ago, after one of my speaking engagements, someone approached me and said, “You know, you speak really quickly when you get excited about your topic.”

My first thought was, “Really? I don’t think I do.” My second thought was, “I’ve been doing this for years. I think I know how I speak.” Thankfully, my third thought was the one that mattered, as I realized that I needed to pay attention.

I started noticing it. Then someone else mentioned it. Then I asked Warren if I sometimes spoke too quickly. He didn’t even hesitate. “Yes.” Naturally, I started defending myself. “That’s just my energy!” “People can still understand me!” “I’m just enthusiastic!” I had every excuse in the book. Eventually, I watched a recording of myself and had to admit everyone else was right.

When I am passionate about something, I speed up because my brain moves faster than my mouth can keep up. Now, have I completely changed my speaking style? No. I am still enthusiastic. I am still passionate. That is part of who I am. And sometimes, I speak much too quickly. I jokingly will tell my audiences to let me know when I’m doing that, as that is helpful feedback!

But I became much more aware of when I needed to slow down and give people time to absorb the message.

The feedback didn’t mean I was doing everything wrong. It meant there was an opportunity to do something better. 

Receiving feedback is hard because our brains are designed to protect us. When someone points out something we could improve, our natural reaction is often to defend ourselves. We want to explain the situation, provide the missing details, and ensure the other person understands why we made the choice we did.

And sometimes those explanations are completely valid. But here is the challenge: when you immediately defend yourself, you stop listening and shift from learning mode to courtroom mode. What I mean by courtroom mode is that you are no longer hearing the feedback but are instead building your case.

And nobody wants to give feedback to someone who treats every comment like they are on trial.

Instead, we need to ask questions to learn more. Things like, “Tell me more about that” or “Can you give me an example?” Or even “What can I do differently next time?”

You don’t have to agree with everything someone says. But you do need to understand it before you decide what to do with it.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Receiving Feedback

• Do listen without interrupting. You may discover the most valuable part of the feedback comes at the end.
• Don’t assume feedback means failure. It simply means you’ve been given information.
• Do look for patterns. One opinion is interesting. Five similar opinions deserve your attention.
• Don’t ask for feedback if you’ve already decided you’re right.

Think about receiving a gift. Someone hands you a beautifully wrapped package. You thank them and smile. Then you open it. You don’t have to love what’s inside. Maybe it’s not your style, not what you expected, or maybe you don’t have a use for it right now.

But you don’t hand it back and say, “Actually, I was hoping you would give me something else because this isn’t really what I wanted.”

Feedback works the same way.

When someone gives you feedback, especially after you’ve asked for it, they’ve taken the time to observe, think about what they’ve seen, and share their perspective. That doesn’t automatically make them right. You don’t have to agree with everything they say, and you certainly don’t have to act on every suggestion.

But dismissing it before you’ve honestly considered it means you’ve missed the real gift. The gift isn’t the feedback itself. The gift is the opportunity to see something you couldn’t see on your own, and then decide whether that insight can help you become even better.

The next time you ask someone for feedback, pause first and ask yourself: “Am I looking for growth, or am I looking for confirmation?”

Because if you only want people to tell you that you are right, save everyone some time and just ask, “Can someone please agree with me?” That question will probably get a lot more responses. But none of them will make you any better.

Validation makes us feel good for five minutes. Feedback can make us better for the next five years.