Boundaries for Dealing with the Victim at Work

I was reading a post on LinkedIn recently in which someone announced they were leaving their industry because it was too toxic. As I read, it pointed out that everyone they worked with seemed terrible, that no one listened or cared, that the world was broken, and that nothing was fair.

I started reading the post because I agree that there are real moments of unfairness and frustration in work and life, and I wanted to jump in and offer them support, since this isn’t the first time they’ve complained about these things. But I quickly realized this wasn’t one of those situations. I was reading as this writer became the victim in their own story, seeing their experience through a “victim lens.” I’m not intending to diagnose or insult, but instead to identify (for us) a pattern in which a person interprets most situations as something being done to them, rather than something they can respond to or influence.

My friend Sharon was telling me about her sister-in-law, Christine. Christine was always the victim in every story. She would complain about the boss, the mean girls at work, and how she was always the one picked on. Christine would ask Sharon what she should do about it, but she didn’t want advice. Everything Sharon offered was dismissed or ignored, typically with a, “You just don’t understand what it is like.”

Both are victims and see life through a victim lens. I’m labelling them, not to judge them, but so we can learn how to set boundaries and avoid buying into their narratives and negativity.

What is a “victim lens”?

In psychology, you may have heard about something called “external locus of control.” This happens when someone tends to believe that what happens to them is caused by external forces rather than their own actions. People with a strong external locus of control are more likely to feel powerless and less likely to take action to change situations (because bad things happen to them and they can’t control them). The concept of locus of control was first introduced in the 1950s by Julian Rotter, and the good news is that subsequent research has consistently linked a more internal locus of control with higher job satisfaction, resilience, and proactive behaviour.

This does not mean people are “to blame” for everything that happens to them. That is not the point at all. Life absolutely contains unfairness, bias, and bad behaviour from others. But when someone consistently frames every experience through a lens of “this is happening to me, and there is nothing I can do,” it becomes a pattern that can affect teams, relationships, and communication.

And you have likely encountered this in meetings, emails, or even casual conversations. I know that I have in both my personal and professional life. But every time I see it (or hear it), I think, “Oh, that is not how I see things!” It’s draining to be around.

When someone is consistently speaking from frustration, blame, or helplessness, it does not just stay “their experience.” It spreads into the emotional tone of the interaction, and we often feel those emotions.

You might notice it as:

• Feeling responsible for fixing their feelings
• Feeling defensive even when you did nothing wrong
• Wanting to disengage or avoid them
• Walking away from conversations feeling oddly drained

That is your nervous system responding to repeated externalized blame. It doesn’t feel good. But remember, the goal is not to “fix” them.

Imagine yourself in Sharon’s situation. Christine seems to ask you for help, but afterward, you feel bad. You feel that you didn’t help her, and somehow that is your fault.

Your job is not to correct someone’s worldview or talk them out of their perspective. That rarely works, and it usually escalates tension. The goal is simpler and more realistic: Stay grounded. Stay respectful. Do not absorb what is not yours. Maintain boundaries.

Sounds simple, but it isn’t always that easy. I was thinking about how to respond to the LinkedIn post when I realized I was getting sucked in. I needed to remind myself what I shouldn’t do:

1. Do not try to over-explain or offer alternative perspectives

When someone is in a blame-heavy mindset, more information is not always helpful. You might feel tempted to explain every detail or defend every decision. In my LinkedIn example, I didn’t need to offer a different perspective or viewpoint on how else to see the situation. As I was reading all the comments and saw others do that, I realized all this feedback was feeding the writer’s loop instead of helping them see another perspective.

2. Do not take responsibility for their emotional interpretation

There is a difference between owning your actions and owning someone’s reaction to your actions. You are responsible for what you say and do. You are not responsible for how someone chooses to interpret everything through a negative lens.

When the writer responded online to some comments, “You just don’t understand,” I was glad I hadn’t tried to offer perspective because I could see the writer transferring their emotions to others, and I knew that those who tried to help instead felt bad.

3. Do not match their tone

If they are frustrated, blaming, or defensive, mirroring that energy usually intensifies the situation. Calm is more effective than counter-frustration. Don’t get frustrated that they are taking the victim stance. Don’t try to show them they look like a victim, either.

4. Do not try to “rescue” them

Rescuing can sound like: “I’ll just handle it for you, so you are not upset.” Or “Next time, I’ll take care of it for you.” You are rescuing them, which creates dependency and reinforces the idea that they are powerless.

What to DO instead. 

1. Acknowledge without agreeing

You can validate emotion without validating interpretation. For example: “I can hear that this has been frustrating for you.”

That is very different from: “Yes, everyone is unreasonable, and nothing works.”

One validates experience. The other reinforces the narrative.

2. Bring the conversation back to facts and options

A useful question is: “What would you like to see happen next?” Or: “What part of this can you control right now?” This gently shifts the focus from complaint to direction.

I have regularly written about Control the Controllables (LINK) because it fosters our own accountability rather than blame. Control what we can control and stop focusing on what we can’t control. That doesn’t mean ignoring it; it means focusing on facts, options, and controllables, rather than “Poor me. Bad stuff happens to me all the time. You don’t understand, as bad things don’t happen to you as they do to me.”

3. 3. Set calm boundaries when needed

This is the part many people skip. Boundaries are not rude. They are clear.

Examples: “I want to keep this conversation focused on what we can solve.” Or “I am not able to take on the full responsibility for this issue, but I can help with X.” Or even, “I am happy to talk through solutions without worrying about who is to blame.”

You do not need to justify the boundary. You state it and move on.

4. Pause before you respond

This sounds simple, but it is powerful and extremely hard to do. A short pause before replying helps you avoid reacting emotionally to someone else’s emotional state. It allows you to choose the right response, so you aren’t reacting or getting baited by their victim approach.

Force yourself to count to three before you respond to what they are saying. Even just a one-second pause can change the tone of your response.

People who default to a victim lens are often not trying to be difficult. In many cases, it is a learned way of making sense of stress, disappointment, or lack of control. They don’t see themselves as a victim; they see the world “ganging up on them” at times.

But understanding that doesn’t mean you accept unlimited access to your time, attention, or emotional energy. You can have compassion, listen, and be kind. None of those things requires you to agree with their perspective.

That mindset changes everything.

We are all going to encounter people who, at times, see the world through the lens of frustration, blame, or helplessness. The professional skill is not avoiding those moments. The skill is staying grounded inside them. Not absorbing what is not yours. Not arguing what cannot be changed in that moment. And not losing your own clarity in someone else’s narrative.

That is not cold. That is boundaries.